The Pies of August

What caused the great war? After years of research, I am ready to present a compelling new hypothesis in regards to the proximate cause of the first world war.

When Bismarck unified Germany, he did so with an acute awareness of the fact that successful nation building requires a cultural canon on which to hinge the national identity. This obviously involves music, literature &c, but the far most important pillar of nationhood is of course cuisine. Until there is some degree of consensus on the nature of a proper feast, any sense of togetherness is illusory.

The minor German states had long felt envious towards those of their neighbors that had been bequeathed with culinary wealth. Prussia in particular had long felt that this uneven distribution of deliciousness was a wrong that had to be made right, notably causing Frederick the Great to pounce at Silesia in 1742 at the sight of a Knyzsa. Food was therefore an ever-present aspect of Bismarck’s career as a Prussian politician and statesman.

It follows naturally that the German wars of unification, ostensibly fought for other purposes, were really about acquiring some delicious treats that the German people could feel proud of. The lands of the Pretzel and other salty snacks craved something sweet. The conquest of Schleswig-Holstein in the Danish-Prussian war meant the addition of Marzipan to German deserts, which carried an important symbolism. The Austro-Prussian war laid the ground work for securing control of the Bratwurst a few years later, to this day the most iconic of German foods.

None of what Germany could offer could match French cuisine, of course. If the remaining German states were to fall in line behind Prussia, it would take something tastier than any German man, woman or child had ever tasted. And so, Bismarck set out to conquer the Quiche Lorraine from France; the German people needed a Pie. And through the Pie, it became one nation.

The German Empire was young and ambitious, and soon felt she wasn’t given her rightful standing. The English and the French were both busy acquiring entirely new types of cuisine all over the world, while exporting their own. France obviously had a head start, but over time the British caught up, largely because the large number of delicious new dishes that they could extract from India. They also had a pie of their own: the shepherd’s pie. The German’s also wanted colonies, to be a real match for the french and the English on the global kitchen counter, but were not as successful.

In 1905, the German kaiser landed in Tangiers, Morocco, and proceeded to cook a Quiche Lorraine. The french were outraged. Not only did he cook what was rightfully theirs, he did so in what they considered their procooktorate. Moreover, the English considered themselves to be most important pie-eating nation and did not like to see the supremacy of the shepherd pie challenged.

All of this meant that by the time Gavrilo Princip largely by fluke managed to kill Archduke Franz Josef of Austria-Hungary by striking him in the head with a frying pan, Europe was like a shaken bottle of champagne waiting to blow. While the initial escalation of the war was due to a rivalry between Austria and Russia over the rights to the Serbian kitchen, the rest of the European powers quickly showed their hand.

As a result of the German defeat, the Quiche Lorraine was restored to France. This was much resented by German nationalists, and to this day Germany lacks a decent pie to call their own.