In the tradition of the great Jonathan Swift, I’d like to make modest proposal of my own: April’s gotten away with it for too long and we need to get rid of it. Well, what has April ever done to you, you might ask. Oh, where do I begin?

Look no further than the bible, and the analogy is clear; Jesus had twelve disciples, and there are twelve months. To wit, Petrus is May, the one you can always rely on. But who corresponds to April if not Judas, the deceitful.

My friends, April has betrayed us for the last time. Never again shall we suffer the disappointment of going to bed after a gorgeous spring sunset only to wake up to a frozen pandemonium. No man, women or child should face the indignity of putting their winter tires into storage at noon only to brush the freshly fallen snow of their car at dusk. Let us once and for all relegate the experience of leaving for a spring time walk and finding one self under attack by a truculent blizzard to the trash heap of history.

And let’s not forget: Nobody ever liked April to begin with. It might be the journey rather than the destination which matters, but April isn’t a flight nor a train; it’s the airport conveyor belt. In the best case it’s slowly moving forward, but most likely it’s stopped altogether.

So what should we do with the left over days? Simple: Let’s use six of them for making all of the remaining eleven months 31 days long. I further propose that we put the other 24 days away in a safe place. If something were to happen with the remaining 341 days, we might need spares. The people celebrating their birthday in April can all enjoy their day of jubilee in July instead, and will thank us.

Enough is enough – say no to April!

What caused the great war? After years of research, I am ready to present a compelling new hypothesis in regards to the proximate cause of the first world war.

When Bismarck unified Germany, he did so with an acute awareness of the fact that successful nation building requires a cultural canon on which to hinge the national identity. This obviously involves music, literature &c, but the far most important pillar of nationhood is of course cuisine. Until there is some degree of consensus on the nature of a proper feast, any sense of togetherness is illusory.

The minor German states had long felt envious towards those of their neighbors that had been bequeathed with culinary wealth. Prussia in particular had long felt that this uneven distribution of deliciousness was a wrong that had to be made right, notably causing Frederick the Great to pounce at Silesia in 1742 at the sight of a Knyzsa. Food was therefore an ever-present aspect of Bismarck’s career as a Prussian politician and statesman.

It follows naturally that the German wars of unification, ostensibly fought for other purposes, were really about acquiring some delicious treats that the German people could feel proud of. The lands of the Pretzel and other salty snacks craved something sweet. The conquest of Schleswig-Holstein in the Danish-Prussian war meant the addition of Marzipan to German deserts, which carried an important symbolism. The Austro-Prussian war laid the ground work for securing control of the Bratwurst a few years later, to this day the most iconic of German foods.

None of what Germany could offer could match French cuisine, of course. If the remaining German states were to fall in line behind Prussia, it would take something tastier than any German man, woman or child had ever tasted. And so, Bismarck set out to conquer the Quiche Lorraine from France; the German people needed a Pie. And through the Pie, it became one nation.

The German Empire was young and ambitious, and soon felt she wasn’t given her rightful standing. The English and the French were both busy acquiring entirely new types of cuisine all over the world, while exporting their own. France obviously had a head start, but over time the British caught up, largely because the large number of delicious new dishes that they could extract from India. They also had a pie of their own: the shepherd’s pie. The German’s also wanted colonies, to be a real match for the french and the English on the global kitchen counter, but were not as successful.

In 1905, the German kaiser landed in Tangiers, Morocco, and proceeded to cook a Quiche Lorraine. The french were outraged. Not only did he cook what was rightfully theirs, he did so in what they considered their procooktorate. Moreover, the English considered themselves to be most important pie-eating nation and did not like to see the supremacy of the shepherd pie challenged.

All of this meant that by the time Gavrilo Princip largely by fluke managed to kill Archduke Franz Josef of Austria-Hungary by striking him in the head with a frying pan, Europe was like a shaken bottle of champagne waiting to blow. While the initial escalation of the war was due to a rivalry between Austria and Russia over the rights to the Serbian kitchen, the rest of the European powers quickly showed their hand.

As a result of the German defeat, the Quiche Lorraine was restored to France. This was much resented by German nationalists, and to this day Germany lacks a decent pie to call their own.

There’s a thought I need to voice: Mediterranean regional flags are disturbing. In particular Sardinia and Corsica, but also Catalonia and Valencia. Hear me out.

I never cared much about flags. Sure, I felt a bit disappointed when Hannes and Daniel kept beating me at geography board games, which should have been my forte, but as an all-around loser at sports I am also accustomed to defeat. Recently my father introduced me to a geography game app called – quite simply – “World Geography”. I played it mostly for the countries and the capitals, but it also has flags, and I got drawn in.

The interest was initially rather passive, but as I got better at recognizing flags, I found that I all of a sudden had opinions about them. US State flags are, as is well known on /r/vexillology, a bit of a joke. Caribbean islands have awesome flags. I feel that a left most vertical banner is underrated, and that it is sad that only Madagascar, Benin, Guinea-Bissau and the United Arab Emirates have adopted such a flag.

A love for vexillology combined with a passion for history makes for a wicked synthesis. I find myself looking up the history of certain flags, as I just have to know. Like why Hawaii has the Union Jack on its state flag? (Apparently they were given the flag of the British Empire as a gift while they were an independent kingdom, and liked it so much that they decided to incorporate it in their own, possibly making them the only region of the world that has it as part of their design despite not having been a part of the Commonwealth of Nations.) Or, why does Singapore’s flag feature a Crescent when it is not an Islamic nation? (Because it “represents a young nation on the ascendent”)

So, about those mediterranean flags. The Catalonian flag is perhaps one of the most well known regional flags of Europe, known as the “Senyera”. It is the symbol of the historical kingdom of Aragon. It consists of four red stripes on a yellow background. Barcelona was besieged by the Moors in 897, and the Count of Barcelona, died in the battle. According to legend, the flag represents the marks left by the blood drenched fingers of the Holy Roman Emperor (an ally of the County of Barcelona), when he drew his hand across the chest of the Count. The Senyera also appears on Valencias flag, as a former part of the Kingdom of Aragon.

The Aragonese had a disturbing sense of aesthetics, which is seen elsewhere. At some point, they decided to incorporate a black head in their seal, likely representing the head of a Moorish prince defeated during the reconquista of the Iberian peninsula. Corsica and Sardinia were both parts of the kingdom of Aragon, and thus drew their symbolism from there. The flag of Corsica consists solely of this “Moor’s head”. Sardinia takes it a step further and combines it with the red cross of St. George, featuring a black head in each quadrant.

This red cross, as also seen on the flag on England and the flag of Georgia, is a symbol associated with the Crusades against non-christians. Considering the macabre history of the Crusades, it seems to me like its continued usage is in a bit of bad taste in general (although the English may have more pressing things to think about), and more so when combined with the severed heads of Africans. The Moorish invasion of Iberia was of course not a pretty event in itself, but it was 1200 years ago, and it has been more than 500 years since the reconquista was complete. It seems sensible to stop gloating about it. Especially so as Sardinia first decided to adopt it in 1950.

This summer I was in Avesta on some errand, and was surprised to see a bicyclist with a small trailer in tow on the highway. The thing that really caught my eye, was that there was a flag attached to the back of trailer, where I could make out a black head waving in the wind. There were probably fewer North Africans around there to ponder the symbolism than there is in France, so either he had escaped to a place where he can proudly display his regional flag, or – more realistically – am I quite alone in my concerns.

The Swedish language has admitted a deluge of English words in recent decades. But a trickle has flowed the other way: presently, ”fika” seems to be gaining a foot hold, and the concept of ”lagom” has an entry in the English Wikipedia. Then there are the old canonical examples ”ombudsman” and ”smorgasbord”. Less known in the English speaking world is the sinister cousin of the latter, the so called ”salladsbord”, which I would like to put up for consideration in your next edition.

Some background is warranted. In the early years of the millenium, Stockholm faced an unprecedented crisis. Every grass covered surface, ranging from the smallest residential garden to the largest of our parks, had become infested with the most fearsome of pests, namely the black rabbit. Not only did these wreak havoc in traffic due to the involuntary aww-reflex inherent to human nature, but they also threatened to cause a major economic depression due to their inflationary nature.

To deal with the menace, the king of Sweden declared that they had to be exterminated, and proposed to do so through the destruction of their habitat. All edible greeneries were to be harvested and placed out of rabbit reach. As this coincided with a growing concern in regards to food waste, it was politically unacceptable to simply destroy the produce. Thus the ”salladsbord” was introduced in all restaurants, public and private alike. The Swedish populace was conditioned to believe that it was normal to eat fresh hay and dandelion leafs as part of every meal. Few now recall that it appeared in an effort to eradicate a spieces.

The proposed definition is thus:

salladsbord, n.
figurative. An assortment of items, assembled for an ulterior purpose, which is, in effect, wholly useless.

The weaver was visiting his friend Adam, a black sheep. They had sat down for a cup of tea and a game of chess.

”Yes, I have three bags of wool left, although I’ve already promised two of them for others.” said Adam, responding to the weavers inquiry.

”A single bag won’t get me far.” replied the weaver, and made an initial move. Adam was, as always, playing as black. ”I am at wits end. I have just signed a contract to deliver handkerchiefs to the National Association of Hay Fever Victims. We’ll start small, but in ten years I’ll need a thousand bags to meet the terms. So far I only have a ready supply of 5 bags a year.”

Adam looked thoughtful and made a move. He lay back down on his chair and sipped his tea.

”I do enjoy the grains you bring me.” he said, and glanced over to a white bucket filled to the brim with groats. ”I can get you 1000 bags a year by then. Right now, it’s just me and the wife, but we are expecting twins, and the family should be big enough by then.”

The weaver picked up a bishop and held it thoughtfully over the board. ”I don’t believe that. This can only be solved through legwork. I’ll walk down the road and knock on the door of every sheep around here until I have what I need.”

Adam stood up and walked over to the white bucket. “Not every sheep has as splendid wool as me and Ewe. It will take you time to find enough suppliers. Realistically, perhaps ten each year?” He leaned down and nibbled on some groats.

The weaver finally made up his mind and made his move. “Yes, that sounds about right.”

Adam was by now halfway down the bucket. He pulled his head out and went back to the table.“So, in ten years you’ll have a hundred suppliers.”

“Yeah, that won’t suffice.” said the Weaver with a troubled frown.

“In the meantime, my family will be four this year. Since sheep has between one and six lambs per term, we can expect that our children will have another two lambs each, on average, so in two years there’ll be four new lambs and eight of us in total. In ten years, our grandlambs grandlambs grandlambs grandlambs will have around 1024 lambs and our family will be about 2048 strong.”

The weaver made a startled jerk and spilled his tea. He produced a black handkerchief and started wiping the table. “That may just solve my problem. Just for the sake of argument, though, I’d like to consider some additional strategies. Humor me for a moment, will you?”

Adam had already completed his draw and was on his way back to the bucket. “By all means.”

“Posit that I proceed as planned for this year, except that I hire an apprentice that I will train in the craft of recognising fine wool. Next year, my new lieutenant will be ready to work independently, but to speed things up further, both of us will have an assistant. In that way, we’ll be able to proceed four times as fast.The year after, I will promote another lieutenant, and each of us will have two assistants. At that point, we have speed things up by a factor of nine, and acquired ninety new wool suppliers, compared to your meekly eight!”

“Then by the tenth year, your lead is surely insurmountable?” replied Adam, his voice muted as he didn’t bother to remove his head from the bucket.

The weaver looked up from the chessboard. “Yes, I would think so. By that year, I’ll have a staff of one hundred, good for finding a thousand sheep! That is vastly more than your…”

“1024 lambs.” Said Adam and raised his head. The bucket was by now empty but had gotten stuck around his neck. “Would you please?”

His friend laughed and got up. “I find myself outsmarted by a sheep in a bucket. How is it possible that two sheep can outdo a hundred workers?” He put his foot on Adam’s chuck and pulled the bucket back. The bucket came loose. The weaver stumbled backwards.

“Think about the annual increase. In your initial plan, your supply increased by the same amount every year. In your revised plan, you accumulate suppliers more quickly for every year, but let’s consider how quickly it gets quicker. In the first year, you have 10 bags of wool. By the second, you have 40, and by the third 90. By the fourth you have 160.”

“So the increase is 30 between the first and second year, then 50, and then 70.”

“Right, so as you may have noticed, the increase increases by the same amount, that is 20 bags.”

“You’ve lost me. I was under the impression that this is what you said of my first idea?”

“In that case, the number of sheep increased by the same amount annually. In this case, the number increases by an ever-larger amount every year. However, the annual change itself grows by a constant amount.”

The weaver just stood silent, with a bemused look on his face.

“It is possible to take it one step further: What if you and your lieutenants had sergeants who in turn has ensigns? In that case, the rate of change is at the same pace as your second example. To be specific, you would have 80 suppliers by the second year, and 270 by the second year.” Explained Adam.

“Then surely you will no longer have a chance to catch up?”

“It will take us a bit longer than 10 years, but even then we will eventually overtake you. Your three strategies are respectively called linear, quadratic and cubic, but you can of course have arbitrarily many levels, where the rate of change of any particular level corresponds to the level below. Eventually, I will always prevail, because my strategy is called exponential, and the rate of increase of the exponential is also exponential.”

The weaver and Adam went back to the chess table, and settled down again. “Clearly I must accept such an erudite argument. I trust that we have an agreement then, that you will supply 1000 bags of wool annually within the next 10 years? Only the matter of price remains to be settled, then?”

Adam smirked. “I do not require much. For the first square of this chess board, I would like a single groat. For the second square, I ask for one multiplied by two groats, and for the third I would request one multiplied by two multiplied by three groats – you get the idea. For every year that we are in business, we add another square, according to the aforementioned pattern.”